I feel like I’ve gotten to the place where I have no mental health. As in, my mental health is so depleted that it no longer exists at all. I guess my inability is what I’m talking about. One human, one brain, can only take so much. Eventually, everyone hits a breaking point. So, what do you do when you reach that point? What do you do when you have no mental health at all?
What It’s Like to Experience Mentla Health Collapse
I have had a very bad year. I have had personal loss. I’ve had interpersonal loss. I’ve now added employment loss. It’s more than I can deal with. I have a to-do list, and things, even as simple as making phone calls, aren’t getting done because I’m entirely incapacitated. My carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in months. My apartment hasn’t been dusted in months. Just keeping dishes running through the dishwasher seems challenging. Plus many more issues.
This all results in endless triage. I take a look at the things I need to do. I select the thing that is most on fire at the moment. I select the thing that life can’t survive without. And then I do that thing to the best of my ability, eschewing all else. I have to talk myself through the thing as if I were a child. Every tiny step needs to be enumerated and consciously completed with great effort.
Then I look at the list and pick the thing that is now most on fire. And repeat. And repeat. Everything is at a crisis point by the time I get to it.
Each thing I get done is great, sure. The problem is I have such little capacity that I can’t make headway. By the time I get one thing done, three more things are on fire. I have about one spoon a day. That simply is not enough. I have no mental health, and it’s causing huge disability.
It feels like I’m walking through a loud, packed crowd with a scared four-year-old. I’m taking the four-year-old by the hand and saying in as calm (yet stressed) a voice as possible, “Now, take a step to the left. Now, right. Good. Let’s go straight.” And so on.
What It Feels Like to Have No Mental Health
And in terms of how I feel? Mostly, I try not to. I just try to focus. I just try to focus on the one tiny thing in front of me and block out all else. I’m aware that I’m depressed, but I have no time to feel it. Anxiety is at the fore. Anxiety that is so bad it feels like my nerves are being electrocuted. It is a very physical (and psychological) sensation. There are also unending, obsessive, intrusive, angry thoughts mixed in, too.
What to Know About Having No Mental Health
I’m aware this is bad. I’m aware this is very bad. I’m also aware this is temporary. I have no idea what temporary looks like, but I know that the rest of my life won’t be in this state. At some point, something will change. It always does.
I have no doubt that the reverberations from this time will be felt for a protracted period. Nonetheless, that period will not be forever. I guess this is the crux of hope. It’s the knowledge that all pain — no matter how awful and dramatic — doesn’t remain at a level 10+ forever.
Also note this caveat: I am getting help for my lack of mental health, and if you’re at the bottom of the barrel, you need to be getting professional help, too. Mountains this big won’t move themselves.
If You Can’t Cope with Having No Mental Health
The first thing to know is that I’m managing this. I’m breathing. I’m eating. I’m sleeping. I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else. If this isn’t true for you, though. If you can’t keep one eye on reality, if you’re not feeding yourself, if you’re harming yourself or are neglecting those who need you (like pets or children), please get professional help immediately. Overwhelming states can require hospitalization to stabilize. This doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. It just means that you need a bit of extra help to succeed. While inpatient stays aren’t fun, they can save your life, and you are worth it.
If You Have No Mental Health and Can Cope
If you are managing this horrific state and you aren’t a danger to anyone else or yourself, then there are a few things to do.
First, take a deep breath, try to relax, and be kind to yourself. Understand that you are going through something impossibly difficult, and you’re doing the best you can. Treat yourself like you would anyone else going through something so difficult. Beating yourself up about all the things you’re not doing will only make the things you need to do harder.
Next, take frequent breaks. If you don’t have the spoons to deal with what’s going on around you, you need to rest more, not less. You’re trying to recharge your body, brain, and mind as much as possible. While this may feel like a losing battler, it will be all the worse if you end up bedridden or hospitalized when you could have avoided it.
Managing Tasks When You Have No Mental Health
Next, my triage method is important. While I despise endless triage, it really does work to manage no mental health times. I recommend writing down everything you need to do and assigning in a priority. If you don’t feel like you can do this, get help. Someone else may be able to see your life and what you need more clearly. Revise this list every morning. Do enjoy the feeling of crossing something off your list but don’t beat yourself up if your list keeps growing. Use reminders or task lists on your phone if you find them helpful.
Then, bring in reinforcements. Figure out which things on your list can be handled by other people. Can someone else pick up your medication? Can someone else mow the lawn? Can someone else make dinner? Even if it’s a lower-priority item, if someone else can do it, reach out and ask for help.
Next, let go of what you can. Yes, I said that my carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in months. I want to change that. I really do. But until I find the resources to do that, I’m letting it go. No one ever died from a dirty carpet.
Then sit down to work on your first task. Understand that you likely have very few mental resources available. This might mean you find heavily intellectual tasks challenging. It may also mean that you find tasks that take you out of the house challenging. It may also be that you’re so tired that physical tasks are challenging. Whatever your challenges are, recognize them and do not judge them.
Instead, find ways to deal with the most challenging parts. One of the main ways I do this is to break things down into tiny, tiny tasks. For example, I don’t unload the dishwasher; for various reasons, I find that overwhelming. So, what I do is unload one thing every time I walk into the kitchen. If I feel okay about that, I do one more. Eventually, the task gets done without being overwhelming. Similarly, I prepare for tasks, making them easier. I might prep the food I’m going to need for dinner at one time and then cook at a different time. Each smaller task feels more doable, whereas combined, it feels overwhelming.
An Example of Managing a Task When You Have No Mental Health
As I said above, you may then need to talk yourself through the task a little bit at a time while consciously telling yourself to take deep breaths. Remember, you’re dealing with a greatly impaired brain, so speak to yourself slowly, calmly, and simply. For example, if you need to call someone to make an appointment, try walking yourself through the process, saying each step either in your head or even out loud as you go:
- Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Decide when you would like to book the appointment.
- Be clear about your goals.
- Pick up the phone.
- Find the contact you need.
- Dial the contact.
- Talk to the contact.
- Double-check your schedule.
- Write down the appointment.
- Confirm the appointment via voice.
- Hang up the phone.
Yes, those are the steps in phoning for an appointment. I’m sure you know them. That’s not the point. The point is breaking it all down into those tiny parts and then walking yourself through them. It’s a rudimentary approach that’s needed when your higher-order brain isn’t functioning.
What to Do When You Feel Like You Have No Mental Health
All of the above are important. The coping techniques you use to manage tasks can get you through every day and ensure you see a little progress along the way, even without mental health. That said, you also need to move beyond task management. You need to consider how you can work a bit of improvement into your life. Yes, treatment is a big part of that. But so is giving yourself permission to take a day off. So is eating ice cream one day. So is having coffee with a friend. I know dealing with extreme mental health issues is exhausting, and it can feel like you don’t have time for any of that. But, truly, no one will die if you eat ice cream while reading a book and do the laundry tomorrow.
And trust that with work and assistance, your mental health will return. It always has.
If you’re feeling like your mental health is gone, know you’re not alone. Share your story below or reach out to a mental health professional for support
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