I’m off this week, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2019.
A reader writes:
My coworker, Lenora, is the oldest person in our office. She is generally friendly, cheerful, and a hard worker. However, despite her genuinely sweet nature, she is about to drive us all up the wall. In short, she wants us to be happy all of the time, and she has made it her personal mission to make this happen.
She is constantly haranguing myself and all the other admin to smile, be more cheerful, etc. Conversations with her generally go like this:
Lenora: How are you today?
Me: Oh I’m just fine, thanks for asking.
Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right? After all, we’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?
Me: *awkward chuckle*There are other things as well. When Lenora walks into meetings, she announces herself with, “Okay, now everyone turn those frowns upside down!”
She is constantly pushing us to use “more positive” language. For example, if we don’t do so well on a project and the client isn’t happy, we re-do the work. That’s normal for us. However, Lenora will tell everyone that we did GREAT on the project and it just wasn’t what the client wanted, but that’s not our fault! There’s certainly nothing wrong with encouraging people and being positive, but we need to be honest about our shortcomings so we can know where we need to improve.
She’ll also go up to people in the office and asks them why they’re not smiling. Then, when they say something like they were just thinking, she replies that it’s a beautiful day and there’s no reason to frown!
I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the idea. We’re not all a bunch of mopey curmudgeons here. This is a friendly, relaxed office and everyone does a good job. But we don’t sit here with smiles plastered on our faces 24 hours a day.
I also think Lenora’s comments can come off as very hurtful. We don’t know what’s going on in people’s personal lives, and pushing them to act extremely positive and happy can be detrimental to their mental and emotional health. I know I have suffered from depression in the past, and I couldn’t stand it if I were going through that right now and working with Lenora.
The thing is, we are all managed under one director of our department, and Lenora and the director are BFFs. I’ve worked here about three years, and I’ve never seen the director properly manage Lenora or scold her on anything, not even once. The director allows Lenora to do basically whatever she wants. That’s generally not a problem because Lenora does do her work, but it’s just this forced positivity that has gotten way out of control.
I’ve spoken with some other coworkers, and they are burned out with it also. We’d really like to just be left alone to manage our own emotions. Some days we are feeling a little down for one reason or another, and that’s okay. It’s part of life, and no one can be happy like that all the time (except for Lenora I guess).
I’m not sure if I should try to talk to our director, or if I should speak to Lenora directly, or what. But I think I might scream if I have to endure one more week of her reminding me to smile every time she sees me.
Before any screaming ensues, why don’t you and your coworkers try pushing back on Lenora in the moment? For example:
Lenora: How are you today?
You: I’m fine, thanks for asking.
Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?
You: Wow, that’s a really intense response. I’m fine.
Lenora: We’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?
You: I’m not moping. I’m fine, and I’d rather you not try to manage my emotions like that.
Lenora: Why aren’t you smiling?
You: I was in the middle of thinking about a project.
Lenora: It’s a beautiful day and there’s no reason to frown!
You: Please don’t comment on my face — it’s very distracting when I’m trying to focus.
Lenora: Why aren’t you smiling?
You: You ask me that a lot! It’s distracting when I’m trying to focus, and I’d prefer you not comment on my face.
Some options for when she tells your team you did great on a project that wasn’t what the client wanted:
* “I think it will be more useful to focus on why we weren’t aligned with the client on what they wanted, and how we can avoid that happening in the future.”
* “I appreciate you trying to boost us up, but I don’t think we need a pep talk! It’s okay for us to be honest about where we need to improve.”
I’d try this for a while rather than going to your director. This is mostly an interpersonal issue, which your director would rightly expect you to try to solve on your own first. If you try this and it fails … well, it’s still probably mostly an interpersonal issue that doesn’t quite rise to the level of bringing it to your boss. Lenora has an annoying manner, and sometimes that’s just how it goes with coworkers. (The exception to this would be if she were hassling a depressed person or otherwise doing something that took this beyond Very Annoying. In that case, yes, talk to your boss.)
However, there’s a part of this that could fall outside of “interpersonal quirk for you to deal with on your own” — the part about how she tells everyone they did great on projects that your clients want redone. Depending on exactly how that plays out, it’s possible she’s actually undermining your office’s work and the likelihood of people improving. (For example, if she tells a junior person that their mistakes are nothing to worry about and they did great on a project that needs to be redone, and that person believes her and doesn’t put real effort into learning from their mistakes and improving their work — or worse, starts to think clients are unreasonable jerks who make unrealistic demands — she could do real damage to that person’s work and their professional growth.) So that part might be worth raising to your boss, framed as, “Lenora pushes very hard for everyone to be happy and feel good, to the point of telling people that work with mistakes is still great and it’s not their fault for not meeting the client’s standards. I’ve seen several interns blow off mistakes as a result, and I’m concerned her messaging it that way is doing them a real disservice and causing them not to take mistakes seriously.”
But mostly, the solution will be pushing back on Lenora in the moment. Right now it sounds like your office is capitulating to her tyranny of forced cheer, and there’s no reason the rest of you can’t say, “No, we don’t like this, please stop.”