I don’t know about you, but as for me, the longer I serve in leadership, the more intentional I have to be in keeping my heart open and fully alive.
That’s a polite way of saying that the longer I’m in leadership, the more I have to guard against my heart becoming hard and keep an eye out for signs of cynicism growing in me.
The hardness of the heart is a condition that people on the other side of God develop:
- Pharaoh had it.
- Israel did on occasion.
- And the Pharisees specialized in it.
Not exactly great company if you ask me.
So it’s a little bit vulnerable to admit you struggle with it. But I do.
At times, I think it’s an almost natural by-product of ministry. (Maybe it’s a natural by-product of life…but I’ve done my adult life in ministry, so I’m not the best diagnoser beyond that.)
Like a physician who sees illness or tragedy daily, you develop a way of dealing with the pain. And some of that’s healthy. But if I don’t monitor things carefully, I can move into full seasons where I don’t feel much of anything at all.
My heart can grow hard.
Here are 7 Early Warning Signs of a Hardened Heart:
1. You don’t really celebrate, and you don’t really cry.
A hard heart is a flat heart. Not much gets in.
Joy doesn’t. Sadness doesn’t.
While you don’t want to be unstable or imbalanced, it’s normal and healthy to experience the ups and downs of life and leadership.
2. You fake your emotions.
Truthfully, we’ve all done this in seasons. And sometimes you need to.
When you’re the leader, you ‘have’ to lead in the public eye, and sometimes that means smiling when you’re not happy, showing empathy when you don’t feel it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s not a lie nor is it inauthentic if it only happens once in a while. When that happens occasionally, you’re simply being a leader, not a liar.
But when faking your emotions become a pattern, it’s a sign something is deeply wrong. And that kind of faking can’t last if you want to lead and live well.
If you fake your emotions enough times, your leadership will stop resonating with the people you lead. Why? You’ve stopped becoming an authentic leader. And authenticity is a negotiable leadership quality, especially in our culture.
Fake your emotions enough times and your leadership will stop resonating. Share on X
3. You say “I don’t care” a lot.
Maybe this is more personal than universal, but a sure sign my heart is in trouble is when I hear myself saying “I don’t care” repeatedly.
- If someone’s upset, I say I don’t care.
- If someone disappoints me, I say I don’t care.
- If something doesn’t work out the way I hoped, I say I don’t care.
- If my actions are going to hurt someone, I say I don’t care.
To me, this is a huge warning sign that there’s a problem, because I should care. Even if I can’t change the outcome, I should care.
If you really don’t care about the people around you, eventually they’ll stop caring about you.
4. So much of what’s supposed to be meaningful feels mechanical.
Another sure sign of a hard heart is that you feel like a robot.
What’s supposed to be meaningful has become mechanical. You’re doing your job. You’re getting things done, but it’s just mechanical.
From your personal friendships to your family to work, the feeling’s gone.
You know your heart has grown hard when what’s supposed to be meaningful has become mechanical. Share on X
5. Passion is hard to come by.
For anything.
Your heart and your passion level are deeply connected. Sometimes you’ll try to rekindle your passion when what you really need to do is go deeper, and fix your heart.
6. You no longer believe the best about people.
You know you’re in danger when you meet someone for the first time and you’re thinking about what’s going to go wrong, not what’s going to go right.
And the stakes are high when you stop believing the best and assuming the worst.
Why?
Leaders who stop believing the best about people stop receiving the best from people.
Leaders who stop believing the best about people stop receiving the best from people. Share on X
7. You’re growing cynical.
Hard-heartedness and cynicism go hand in hand. Cynicism is simply the death of optimism. And it happens slowly over time.
If you find yourself growing cynical, how do you battle back? Easy…become curious.
Ever notice the cynical are never curious and the curious are never cynical?
So How Does It Happen?
How does your heart grow hard? Here are a few ways I’ve seen hardness of heart get triggered in me:
You see the patterns and forget the people.
In my first few years in ministry, all I saw were people. Then I realized people behaved certain ways.
Actually, people behave in certain predictable ways.
Unchecked, this can lead to cynicism when you realize that the people who say they want to change (and at first, you believe them) don’t. If you become fixated on the patterns of human behaviour, not the people beneath them, your heart will grow hard.
If you become fixated on the patterns of human behaviour, not the people beneath them, your heart will grow hard. Share on X
Patterns are discouraging. People aren’t.
You over-protect a broken heart.
People promise and don’t deliver. Your hopes were bigger than what happened. You trusted someone and your trust was misplaced.
Really, that’s just life. It happens to everyone. But how you respond is so critical. It’s easy to shield yourself from people. It’s easy to stop trusting, stop loving, stop believing. But that would be a mistake. It kills your heart.
You stop looking for what’s good in people and situations.
Because life has its disappointments, and people are still people even after they become Christians (it’s amazing how that happens), it’s easy to focus on personal and organization shortcomings.
If you keep that up, it can be all you focus on. Keep looking for flickers of light. Your job as a leader is to spot the hope in any situation anyway, to find a way when it looks like there’s no way. So keep looking.
Your job as a leader is to spot the hope in any situation. Share on X
You accept a harder heart as a new normal.
A hardened heart isn’t inevitable, but it does take intentional effort to guard against one. When you feel your heart becoming hard, you need to take action and fight against it.
All that said, I’ve also discovered this: if you work at it, your heart can stay supple.
When you pick away at the callous, something wonderful God created still beats underneath. And you enter a new season of life wiser, but very much fully alive.
5 Ways To Bring New Life to a Hardened Heart
1. Push past your feelings.
Sure, there are seasons where what’s supposed to be meaningful feels mechanical. Do it anyway. Go to work. Kiss your spouse. Hang out with your kids. Read your bible. Pray (even if you feel you’re talking to the ceiling). Just because you don’t feel like it’s real doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Eventually, your emotions will catch up to your obedience.
2. Get some rest.
Fatigue and overwork can combine to numb your heart. Sometimes, I find my heart grows hard because I’m not resting. Get eight hours of sleep for a week. Take a day off and do something you love – like going on a hike, exploring a city, or reading a great book. Even God took a Sabbath. If you don’t take the Sabbath, the Sabbath will take you.
3. Don’t over-personalize your failures and successes.
My kids remind me all the time that I can take things too personally. They’re right. If you church or organization is in a season of incredible growth, it might not be because you’re so awesome. And if it’s sputtering, it might not be because you’re so incompetent. Actually, a lot of the issues in your church might not have much to do with your church anyway, as I outlined in this post.
4. Decide to trust again.
This one is huge. Because most of us are once-bitten, twice-shy, it’s so important to consciously re-engage your heart and trust people again. Someone may have hurt you, but not everyone will. Yes, you will be vulnerable, but trust again. God did. And still does. Jesus’ arms were wide open when he died, despite the pain of the wounds and the scars.
5. Fight isolation.
Community is the problem for most of us (it’s hard to get hurt all by yourself). But community is also the solution. You will want to be alone. Don’t. Solitude is used by God. Isolation is used by the enemy.
Talk to God. Talk to a friend. Find a mentor. Process privately while leading publicly.
And yes, sometimes, go see a counselor. My very first trip to a counselor over ten years ago happened because I realized my heart had gone hard. We were coming out of a very difficult time as a church (we were in transition). His help was providential. And it’s one of the reasons my heart still beats and can still leap and soar today.