We all want healthy, trusting relationships filled with compassion. But as humans, we experience vulnerabilities like anxiety, fear, distrust, and emotional volatility, especially with the people closest to us. These emotional experiences often stem from our attachment styles, which significantly shape how we relate to others.
Attachment Styles: What Are They?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby (1), helps explain the patterns of behavior and emotions we carry into our relationships. These patterns, often formed in childhood through our relationships with primary caregivers (2), profoundly impact everything from dating to conflict resolution in marriages.
Here are the four main attachment styles [4], with their subcategories:
Secure Attachment: In this healthy attachment style, we feel safe and trusting in our relationships. Subcategories include:
– Autonomous: We trust others but are also self-sufficient.
– Relational: We build strong connections while maintaining independence.
– Flexible: We adapt to different relationship dynamics.
– Confident: We are self-assured and emotionally secure.
– Anxious Attachment: This style is marked by a craving for affection and validation. People with this attachment style fear abandonment, leading to clinginess and emotional instability. Subcategories include:
– Preoccupied Attachment: A focus on relationships and an intense fear of abandonment.
– Ambivalent Attachment: Emotional inconsistency and fear of rejection.
– Co-dependent Attachment: Relying heavily on a partner for self-worth, neglecting personal needs.
– Avoidant Attachment: People with this style avoid intimacy and emotional connection, sometimes pushing others away to protect themselves from vulnerability. Subcategories include:
– Dismissive-Avoidant: Values independence and avoids emotional closeness.
– Fearful-Avoidant: Desires intimacy but fears it, often due to past trauma, leading to inconsistent behavior in relationships.
– Disorganized Attachment: This style results in erratic behavior caused by unresolved trauma. Subcategories include:
– Fearful-Avoidant: Desires intimacy but avoids vulnerability.
– Angry-Disorganized: Displays emotional outbursts and trust issues.
– Anxious-Disorganized: Alternates between clinginess and fear of abandonment.
If you’re reading this and feeling like your attachment style is a problem, let me just say: there’s nothing wrong with you. These patterns are simply a reflection of your experiences, not your worth. The good news? You’re not stuck with them forever.
How Meditation Can Heal Attachment Styles
Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward improving your relationships. I want you to take another look at the list above and decide which attachment style is you, because once you have awareness, we can use meditation as a powerful tool to shift your patterns and heal emotional wounds with a spot of meditation therapy. Here’s how meditation can help with each attachment style:
– Secure Attachment: Meditation can help maintain emotional stability. Practices like mindful breathing and gratitude journaling reinforce your sense of security. Meditating together as a couple can deepen your connection and enhance trust.
– Anxious Attachment: For those with anxious attachment, the goal is to become more emotionally self-reliant. I know, that sounds difficult, but hey it’s okay, you can go one step at a time. Practice self-soothing techniques like Somatic Meditation to ground yourself, reduce emotional volatility, and reduce dependence on others [6]. I know how exhausting it can feel to constantly seek validation or worry about being left behind. Trust me when I say, meditation can be like a calming friend who reminds you that you are enough, just as you are.
– Avoidant Attachment: : I understand that intimacy can feel scary, but you can get there. Meditation can gradually expose you to intimacy. Start with small exercises, like imagining yourself in a supportive relationship or practicing vulnerability with a trusted friend. Exercises like Loving Kindness meditation are excellent for this [5].
– Disorganized Attachment: Grounding techniques like Kinhin (Zen walking) and Five Senses Meditation help you stay present and reduce emotional instability, offering stability during moments of anxiety.
Anxious Attachment & Meditation: A Personal Story of Healing
For those with anxious attachment, like me, the fear of abandonment can feel overwhelming, especially in long-distance relationships. I’ve personally struggled with this, especially when I had to return home to England from Canada, leaving my girlfriend behind for months at a time. One of those times, I had to be away for an entire year. The distance, the uncertainty, and the emotional strain were intense, but meditation became a lifeline.
I can also trace this fear of abandonment back to my childhood. Growing up in an emotionally turbulent environment, with a father who struggled with alcoholism and often had explosive fights with my mother, I developed a combination of ambivalent and anxious disorganized attachment styles. That early instability shaped how I related to others, making it harder for me to trust and feel safe in relationships.
But through consistent meditation practice—including Somatic Meditation, Loving Kindness, Anapanasati, and Vipassana—I learned how to calm my mind, reduce my anxiety, and build a sense of stability within myself. Meditation gave me the emotional tools I needed to not just survive, but thrive, even in challenging relationships. Despite the long distance between my girlfriend and me, meditation helped us stay emotionally connected, and we grew stronger together.
Meditation can be a soothing friend in moments like these, helping to remind you that you are enough, just as you are, and that love is not defined by proximity or time.
Ready to Transform Your Attachment Style?
Meditation can provide the support and emotional stability you need to change your attachment style and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re seeking to reduce anxiety, heal emotional wounds, or open up to deeper intimacy, meditation is a powerful tool in guiding you through the process. And I’d love to help you with it.
Book a personalized meditation lesson with me today and take the first step toward emotional balance and more secure relationships.
References:
1: Bowlby, J. (1969). *Attachment and Loss: Volume I: Attachment*. Hogarth Press.
2: Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2012). *Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change*. In J. Simpson & L. Campbell (Eds.), *The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships* (pp. 60–85). Oxford University Press.
3: Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). *Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process*. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52*(3), 511-524.
4: Siegel, D. J. (2012). *The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are*. Guilford Press.
[5] Loving Kindness Meditation: Hoge, E. A., Bui, E., Palitz, S. A., Schwarz, N. R., Owen, L., & Simon, N. M. (2013). *Loving-kindness meditation practice and the brain’s capacity for empathy*. *Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 8*(6), 679-685.
[6]- Somatic Meditation and Emotion Regulation: Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma*. Viking.
Paul Harrison is a meditation teacher with 20+ years of experience and a deep passion for helping others. Known for his empathy and authentic approach, he’s dedicated to guiding individuals and teams toward mindfulness, clarity, and well-being.