Originally authored: Dec. 12, 2010
Updated: April 2, 2025
When I am depressed, I can’t remember what it’s like not to be depressed.
Although I, logically, can state that I have spent massive chunks of my life out of major depression, when I’m depressed, I feel that’s not true. I can’t remember not having depressed emotions. I literally can’t remember what non-depressed feels like. This is called state-dependent memory. Logic ceases to be convincing. I understand there’s a high statistical likelihood that depression will pass. But I just can’t believe it, can’t remember it, when depressed. I’m not alone; people with depression frequently suffer from mood-congruent memory.
(Here’s the TL;DR for this one.)
How Depression Affects Emotional Memory
I can’t remember not being depressed because (for the sake of simplicity) there are two kinds of memory, physical and emotional. Physical memory is pretty simple. Do you, or do you not, remember an event? I remember my high school graduation, for example. I remember the salad I just ate. I remember the cause of the bruises on my thigh. I remember these things, but I don’t have any real emotion attached to them.
This type of memory is simple. Quantitative.
What Is Emotional Memory and How Is It Impacted by Depression?
Emotional memory is a bit different. Not only do you remember the event, but you also remember what it felt like to live the event. Hopefully, this is a collection of positive emotions. How it felt when you held your child for the first time, what walking across the stage to get your degree was like, or how your first skydive made you feel are all examples of emotional memory. When you remember these things, you can actually feel the emotions of those moments.
Emotion, Depression, and Memory
The thing about depression is that depression dampens your emotional memory for everything except depression. Depression plays tricks with your brain. Depressed emotion makes it so you can’t remember feeling not depressed. Depression tries to make you believe that this sad, depressed emotional state is your life, always was your life, and it will always be your life. This is a lie. The more you believe this lie, the more it will become true.
Emotion and memory are complicated in terms of neurobiology but it’s enough to understand that when memories are written, emotions are tied closely to them. It’s sort of like putting your umbrella right by your raincoat. One always reminds you of the other. Just like when you’re happy and you see a party hat, you’re likely to remember a time when you were happy.
And that works just fine. When you need your umbrella, you’re reminded to take your raincoat and vice versa. You’re a very cozy and dry person.
But then one day, it’s raining outside and your umbrella is gone. You see a sun bonnet and no umbrella. And so you forget to wear your raincoat. In fact, not only do you forget your raincoat, but you can’t even remember where you put it; you might not even remember to look.
That’s depression. Depression steals your umbrella and you end up sopping wet, all the time.
It’s actually neurobiological. If you’re really sad and depressed, and you see a party hat, you’re more likely to remember the birthday when you couldn’t stop crying because the clown scared you — a sad memory.
And because depression is a persistent state of sadness, the memories written when you are depressed are attached to sadness. Moreover, the memories you can recall during depression are much more likely to be sad ones as well.
Why Some Happy Memories Resist Depression
I’ve been listening to The Barenaked Ladies since I was 12 years old. I have had many fine times singing along with them (yes, I’m that girl). They are chipper and happy, and they have brought me joy almost forever.
I saw the movie Point Break when I was around 14 years old, and if you happen to be in my age bracket, you’ll know — it was a definite it movie. Keanu and Patrick were hot, the chick was hot, and pretty much everything they did was terribly naughty and sexy. Plus, I have a thing for bank robbers. And there’s a skydiving scene (however massively inaccurate). It was a shared “cool thing” among my peers. I felt enjoyment and happiness when I watched it, over and over.
Can Positive Stimuli Break Through Depression?
They were genuinely good memories untainted by mental health issues (unless you consider being obsessed with Keanu a signal of latent mental health issues, which you might). These memories are before I became bipolar, depressed, crazy, and the like.
And the odd thing is, if I hear the Barenaked Ladies or Point Break is on TV, I might actually smile a little through my depression. Somehow, memories of those are so tied to enjoyment that seeing them, at times, can break through depression. Other stimuli are fairly easily twisted into depressing memories and thoughts, but these young memories seem to stand strong against such treatment.
I suspect this is because these memories were imprinted before the bipolar, depression, and crazy. It’s much more difficult for me to come by purely happy, untainted memories post-crazy.
🧠 TL;DR — This Experience Is Backed by Science
These intuitive insights are highly consistent with research in cognitive psychology and neuroscience:
- Depression affects memory recall and encoding, especially favoring negative emotional material.
- People can’t easily access positive emotional memories when they’re in a low mood due to mood-congruent recall.
- Strong, positive emotional memories from before illness onset may be more resistant to depressive interference.
Question:
Why can’t I remember being happy when I’m depressed?
Answer:
Depression impacts memory by making it harder to recall positive emotions — a phenomenon known as state-dependent memory and mood-congruent recall. This means when you’re depressed, your brain mostly retrieves sad or negative memories.
A Question for You
Does anyone else have distinct stimuli that aren’t depressing in spite of the fact that everything else in the world seems to be? Is it related to experiences pre-illness? Do you find yourself the victim of state-dependent memory?
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