It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Can I tell my coworker to stop scrolling on her phone in meetings?
I’m writing to ask how to handle a coworker who is constantly texting in meetings — virtual, in-person, the works. She doesn’t try to hide her phone and is often scrolling in plain view while other teammates are talking, and it’s incredibly frustrating and disrespectful. She is a mom, and I’ve worked with plenty of parents who want to be on call for their kids or with daycare and are on their phones more than I am, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s most meetings and she just appears to be clicking around on whatever sites suit her fancy. There must be a line, right?
I want to give her some feedback collegially, even a “hey, we all text in meetings sometimes but you may want to make it more subtle!” tone, but I also want to convey that it’s pretty rude to openly tune out of meetings and into her phone at will. Our “supervisor” is the de facto head of our small nonprofit and does very little team management, and doesn’t have the best relationship with this coworker, so I don’t totally trust her to deliver the feedback and we don’t have an HR department at the moment so if it’s going to come from someone, it’s likely me. Any thoughts?
If you want to give you feedback primarily because you find it rude, I wouldn’t. It’s not your place as a peer, and your manager apparently doesn’t feel strongly enough about it to say anything herself. If you wanted to frame it more as “just a heads-up, Jane won’t say anything until she’s really fed up but you’re likely to hear at some point that you’re on your phone too much in meetings,” I’d advise you differently … but that doesn’t sound like the situation.
That said, if you’re ever the one running the meeting, you would have the standing to call it out in that particular meeting — as in, “Jane, do you need a minute to handle that? I want to make sure we’re all engaged in this topic.”
Otherwise, though, you’ve got to let it go. You’re right that it’s rude if this is a small meeting. It’s just not yours to handle.
2. Coworker ices out women who reject him romantically
We have a male coworker, Kevin, who has asked out almost every woman (myself included) in our workplace. When he is rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence at work. This is makes all the women uncomfortable, and is overall just very immature and unprofessional of him.
I reported Kevin to HR and got several other women to come forward as well. HR gave him a reminder of workplace expectations, but won’t do anything more because by ignoring us, he is technically not harassing us anymore. I want him gone so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I have already seen him sitting and talking with the new female hires. Is there anything I can do to protect my unsuspecting female coworkers?
Your HR sucks. Kevin is “technically not harassing” you anymore? Harassment isn’t just unwelcome advances; it’s also penalizing people for rejecting those advances. Kevin is in the penalizing phase now, and it’s ridiculous that your HR refuses to acknowledge that. If he’s refusing to interact with you in normal, professional ways — and especially if it’s interfering with your ability to do your job — that falls under the harassment umbrella. Maybe a group of you could have a lawyer point that out to your company.
As for what you can say to new, unsuspecting colleagues, you can tell them up-front what to expect. For example: “Just a heads-up, Kevin is friendly to every female new hire, then asks them out. If he’s rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence after that. Several of us have gone to HR about it, with no change. It’s been very uncomfortable for some of us and we wish someone had warned us.” This is how women have navigated workplaces that refuse to handle creepy men for eons, and unfortunately your workplace doesn’t sound like it will be an exception.
3. Coworker’s constant sniffling is driving me mad
This is a fairly low-stakes question, but I have a migraine today and my capacity for dealing with it is extra low.
My coworker never stops sniffling. It’s constant, like every few seconds. She’s been here a little over a year, and it’s never stopped. I’ve offered her tissues, but she said she doesn’t need them. She claims it’s because it’s so cold in the office, but even now, when it’s not cold and she’s in short sleeves with an unused blanket sitting on the back of her chair, she’s sniffling every couple of seconds.
I usually put in headphones and listen to music, but there are times, like today, when it’s otherwise quiet in the office and I’d just prefer not to listen to music. I also have to answer phones, so I have to keep the music low.
I’m not sure if my annoyance with this is exacerbated by how frustrating she is in other ways, but I genuinely think this would be driving me crazy anyway.
Am I allowed to ask her to figure out a cure for her non-stop sniffling? Is that even possible? Once in the past I literally chose to take half a day off because I couldn’t deal with it, and I’m close to reaching that breaking point again today.
It’s very unlikely that she’s sniffling for the hell of it. Assume if there was an easy cure she would have already found it, and this is just a health condition (like chronic allergies) that she’s stuck dealing with.
That doesn’t really solve it for you, I realize, but it’s likely as unsolvable for her as it for you. And sometimes reframing it in your head to assume that — instead of internally screaming “WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?” — can make it more bearable.
4. Wording when communicating expectations to an employee
Someone recently said to me that when you are communicating expectations to an employee, you should phrase it as, “Company Name needs you to…” or “Company Name expects you to…” rather than “I need you to…” or “I expect you to…” because it “softens the message.” What do you think?
That’s an extremely weird formulation and would be out of sync with the culture in most American workplaces. I also can’t see how it softens the message! It does the opposite; it makes the message sound much stiffer and more formal.
For that matter, I wouldn’t use “I expect you to” in most situations either. “We need you to,” “I need you to,” “Could you,” “Would you,” and “I’d like you to” are more typical.
5. How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love my current one?
How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love the one I have?
I work on a great team for a troubled company. I’ve been here nine years, but in the last few years we’ve had multiple layoffs and haven’t had raises and I don’t see that changing next year.
I’ve stayed this long because the job itself is good, the frozen salary is still okay for now, and my colleagues are great. But the financial writing is on the wall, and I’m thinking of trying to get ahead of trouble by finding a new job now.
None of the plausible lies are really applicable to me — I’m not seeking advancement, a different type of role, a different size team, a new industry, or anything like that. I just want to do what I do for a company that’s not going to crash and burn or lay me off in a year.
Should I just politely fib and cite some defining characteristic of the company I’m interviewing with as something I’m looking forward to? I’m a terrible liar.
It’s fine to say, “I love what I do, but the company has had some financial struggles and I’m looking for something more stable.” Then immediately follow that up with what interested you about the job you’re applying for (so it’s not just “I ned to get out” but also includes an expression of interest in the new job specifically).