Let’s talk about sexual concordance. It means that your mental arousal matches bodily arousal.
This isn’t just about knowing you’re aroused, it’about feeling it. Erections tell you that your body is aroused. If you couldn’t feel the erection, would you still know your body was aroused? Beyond that, can you tell if you’re a little aroused, moderately aroused, or extremely aroused?
This is also not about desiring sex. If you’re at the beach and a woman wearing nothing but three postage stamps and some thread walks by, you don’t need an erection to know that sight arouses your body. But she’s not your wife, and you don’t want to have sex with her.
Multiple studies have found men generally have much higher arousal concordance than women. Part of this is the bio-feedback we get from erections. We learn to match what our minds feel with what’s going on in our pants. Women have no such mechanism for low or moderate levels of arousal.
The whole “good girls don’t” thing also plays into this. She may avoid thinking about her arousal, or downplay it because of this.
Another issue is most women have been aroused when they didn’t want to be. Some horny date was making out with her, thinking if he got her turned-on, he could get something sexual from her. If she was determined not to have sex with the guy, she would not admit her arousal to him, and might not admit it to herself.
Ignoring or denying arousal can become a habit that follows her into marriage. The extreme version of not feeling sexual arousal is not knowing she’s going to orgasm until it happens, seemingly out of the blue. This is very rare for men, but many women have experienced it.
Here’s how this can get you in trouble:
- If you can see she is aroused, you may think that means she will want sex. If she’s not aware she’s aroused, she might get upset that you assume she should want sex just because you do. Or perhaps she is aware she’s aroused, but isn’t interested in sex at the moment, for whatever reason.
- Suppose during foreplay, your fingers tell you her body is highly aroused. If she’s unaware she’s that aroused, and you suggest or just move forward with intercourse based on her body, she may wonder why you’re in such a hurry. Or she may feel you don’t care about her needs. She might decide you’re all about your pleasure and just give up on coming.
Here’s the important bit: her body is not the “right” gauge of her arousal. What she feels between her ears is what matters. She doesn’t want to be a slave to her body, and she certainly doesn’t want you trying to tell her she is aroused when she doesn’t feel it.
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